Headspace

I apologize for the lack of writing or responding to things on here. I’ve just been in a really strange headspace lately, and I didn’t really feel like writing because I thought it would be a little bit darker than the way that I like to portray myself. I’ve been negative and “down” (that’s the only word that comes to mind, but also doesn’t feel quite right), so when I am feeling this way, I just tend to keep to myself. Sort of like, if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything. Well, when I can’t be positive, I just kind of shut down. What is more frustrating is there isn’t really anything to be feeling down about. I think just a combination of a lot of things that I did not realize were happening subconsciously got to me.

I think summer is very hard on me because we get out of all of our routines that we’re normally in during the school year, and I just kind of feel like my life is out of control. Not really in a bad way, I just mean that I feel like I am always going, and I never take the time to really just take it in or reset. Every day I have to shove my kids out the door, race to camp across town, then back across town to get to work. When I get off, it’s another race. There is barely enough time to commute between the two and get everywhere on time. In fact, I am usually about 4 minutes late waking into work, so I am looking forward to less driving and more working when school starts. Every weekend we go to the pool or we hang out with friends or we do something fun or we’re out of town, which means that my house is neglected and a small disaster, unfortunately. You know what else happens when you are always going? You are always spending. I had a few different medical bills between myself, my kids, and my dog that were, well, shocking. On top of vacations that were planned months ago, hosting my cousin’s bachelorette party, summer camp costing double what I spend during the school year, and just, life. It has been an expensive summer. For as much as I love spending money, I really hate spending money!

I also have done what I always do-over commit myself. I commit to planning and paying for things like my cousin’s bachelorette party, or planning and participating in other events, or continuing to be super involved in Sofar Sounds, while trying juggle my kids and stay in the know and ahead at work. It is A LOT on me at the moment, especially when I can’t get myself into a routine. It makes it hard to give 100% to anything, and I can’t handle failure, or subpar performance out of myself. But it is inevitable that I will drop something I am trying to juggle.

Imagine a clown, juggling three red balls. Normal, right? Then he pulls off his nose, and juggles that too. A little more impressive. But then he pulls a bowling pin out to add in the mix. Then to add an element of danger, he starts also juggling a knife, and suddenly he is also hula-hooping. But the hula-hoop is on fire. (I wonder if I saw this on America’s Got Talent at some point? I can see it so clearly in my mind…) The moral of the story is, it’s impressive that he can do all that, but eventually he has to stop because he is going to drop something….or catch on fire and die. THAT is how I feel like my life is going lately.  HA! Maybe a little dramatic, but I am trying to describe how I feel in a visual way.

In the spirit of being transparent and being more vocal about my struggles, because I am only human, I decided to break this funk I have been in. I have to make changes. That starts with getting back to the things I like. I like writing, or rambling, and it’s good to categorize my thoughts. I am not good at talking about this kind of stuff out loud, because I get upset, then that is annoying, so I don’t want to talk. So here I am, writing. I like to be happy, so I am being hyper-sensitive to how I respond to events, ESPECIALLY those that I can’t control. (recite the serenity prayer daily, Andrea!) I am MAKING myself listen to the suggestions that my boss…..er friend…. had for me last week on how I can improve myself at work in sales. I have also accepted that I am NOT a typical sales person (you know, insistent and intense). One of my favorite things to do is build relationships with people, so I am trying to figure out how to translate that into my sales style. I know I can do it, I have done it before, I just have to remember each day that I can. I am also trying to balance the fact that I am CONSTANTLY tired, with also being more productive and working out. Every single day I could go to sleep at 6pm. I am not kidding. I am on some meds to help me stay awake, and I literally could almost always sleep. I am physically and mentally exhausted. But I know that if I do that, I will further go into this cycle of not picking up my house, not working out, not spending enough time with my kids, and likely continue to stay in this slump. I know that if I work out and make myself be productive, I will get into a better head space, and eventually have more energy, even on less sleep.

I am thankful that I have the ability to recognize when I am in this kind of mood, and that I can do that before it becomes a life style. I have a plan in place, and I will execute it, but in baby steps. If I try to change everything, I know that it will not work, and ultimately make me feel worse. So here we go. Today was a good day, and tomorrow will be too. In between those two days I am going to cook one of my son’s favorite dinners, spend some time working out, and get a good night’s rest. Then tackle the rest. One step at a time.

Ohhhh!! On a positive note, last week I had my annual MRI on by brain and C-spine. While it was a more intense experience for me (the actual MRI process was not fun), the results show that I still have NO change in both brain and c-spine! Woohoo! 5 years of officially having MS and I am only as damaged as I was the day I was diagnosed. I will take it!

Now, enough rambling. I am going to go snuggle L2, because he starts pre-school in 10 days and I am suddenly really emotional about him being my last kid and growing up on me. Perhaps I will workout after, or tomorrow. Either way, I know it will be okay.

“Negativity can only exist where we give it time and space” -NOT my quote. I read it somewhere and it stuck with me.

❤ MS Andrea Jackson