So tonight this really strange thing happened. I had just finished cleaning up a bit and decided to sit for a second and look at my emails before I put my son to bed. I was filtering through junk emails when I noticed something so exciting. I had two emails that told me L1 had been accepted into EEE (the gifted program) in our school district. I heard they kind of ghost you if your kid doesn’t get in, so I was beginning to think that had happened and hoped he wouldn’t ask again. But there it was! I literally said “holy shit! L1….” got the eye roll from him about my language, and then said “I’m so sorry. But no come here! You got into EEE!!” He came running over and gave me the biggest hug while doing his raspy excited scream, and then jumped up and down for a minute. Of course ended his excitement by doing the floss dance repeatedly saying “I got into EEE!” He asked if we could call a couple people to tell them before bed, which we did. After I finally got him to calm down, I put him to bed, gave him one final congratulations kiss, and was on my own.
Here’s where it got weird. I started to panic. I’m not even sure how to explain this feeling. I was actually freaking out. I couldn’t sit still, I couldn’t control how fast my thoughts were going, or how fast my heart was going! It was insane. I was happy nobody was around to witness but also needed someone to talk to. I was SO worried about this program.
“What if he isn’t actually smart enough?
What if he is the most dumb kid in there?
What if it is too hard and it causes him emotional stress?
What if I am the only parent who is not a doctor?
I am not that smart!
What if I am the only single parent? With all judgy doctor parents?”
I immediately wished he didn’t get accepted. I legitimately had that thought. How awful am I?! I can’t believe it-or that I am putting this in writing. But this is my blog and these are my feelings so you readers-or future Andrea- need to deal.
To calm myself down I text my group of girlfriends about it. There are 10 or so of us in this group message, so it was a lot of excitement. One of them is a teacher who said “of course he did” and then reminded me that my feelings were insane because there are plenty of kids without doctor parents who go. Another friend-who I actually think is the smartest person I know personally-text me on the side to calm me down. THANK GOD FOR GOOD FRIENDS!!! She had gone through the program and reminded me that I am smart and capable of having a child in there, and that it will be his favorite thing about school.
I was remembering when I first went through my divorce. L1 started pre-school for the first time and often times would ask why his dad never came to anything. On Fridays he would remind me that so-and-so’s Dad does pickup on Friday, and his dad never gets to. I would go to holiday parties and it would be 20 parent couples and then me. How did I get enrolled in the most active Dad school in Columbia, Missouri?! I spent two years after my split thinking I was so different, because I was a single mom. I am aware it was likely all in my head. I finally accepted it and was comfortable showing up to all functions alone. I would explain to L1 that I could bring friends or family sometimes, but daddy lives too far away. He was always content, but I often wondered how much time he spent thinking about. Anyway-back to EEE
I decided tonight that here would be zero regression on this. I would continue to embrace my life and the amazing things I have. If we walk into EEE orientation and anyone wants to think differently of me or my kid for the fact that I am single and just an average person, I’ll happily smile at them, simply for the fact that he deserves to be there just as much as they do. I’m not going to ever let my fears about my life limit my children or the opportunities they EARN. I am going to walk them into every function proud as hell of them, and of myself for being the Mom who supports and raises them.
There is quite possibly nothing more empowering than being a single mom, and rocking the hell out of it.
❤ MS Andrea Jackson