Six years ago I got married to my ex husband.
Four years ago I found out that I was getting a divorce.
I still can’t believe how fast time goes.
I always feel something weird on this day. I can’t completely explain it. It is some version of happiness, sadness, failure, and success all in one. Makes no sense right?! Welcome to my brain.
Your wedding day is supposed to be one of the best days of your life. Mine was, at that time, what I believed to be one of the best days. But looking back, I have had so many days that have been better than that, both before and since my wedding. The days my children were born. The day I took my kids to Disney world and they met Mickey Mouse. Today, when I found out that my dads recent cancer removal surgery was 100% successful. The day I graduated college and my MBA. Those are days of pure joy and pride and truly impact your life forever.
What is your wedding? A big party?! That’s it. Sure, it’s all about love. But the love was already there. Oh and about marriage. Well marriage is truly just a piece of paper. Don’t get me wrong, I am not a marriage hater. I love that I have SO many friends and family who are so happily married. If I met someone worth it, I’d get married again. But I don’t think I need to do it to feel like my life is complete.
I feel sometimes like I failed in regards to my marriage. Sure, I didn’t have the affair that ultimately ended it. But I did something that caused the affair, I assume. I wasn’t a good enough wife to keep my husband happy. It takes two to be married, and both of those people have to try hard every single day to make it work. I didn’t move immediately with my husband when he went to Savannah, GA. I stuck around to finish my MBA. Perhaps if i would have gone, he wouldn’t have grown apart from me. Perhaps if I would have gotten a job as soon as I got to GA, we might have been less stressed financially. That could have helped too. I was married, and perhaps I was too comfortable in my marriage to keep it together. Perhaps that is what started the whole thing. So I feel like I failed.
I think that this failure feeling is what causes my sadness. I don’t like when I am not good at something. I don’t like feeling like I let someone down. In this instance, I feel like I let my kids down. Though they don’t know the difference, I do. I know what their life could have looked like, and I know all of the things we don’t have or get to experience because I am a single mom.
But then I have happiness. I feel like I have been given another chance at life. I feel like I would have been constantly stressed by my ex and his inability to manage money. I would have missed my family. I wouldn’t be my nieces favorite person, because I would have been thousands of miles away. I feel like I have the chance to find someone who is really a better fit for me. Someone who doesn’t make me feel bad about myself like my ex did. Someone who will be patient with my children the way my ex couldn’t be. And if I don’t find someone like that, I feel happy that I at least was pushed out of a toxic relationship, because being alone is better than that.
Since my divorce, I have really learned so much about myself. I have learned that I have to put effort into all relationships I care about. I have learned that sometimes relationships change, and you can’t control that. I have learned that you have to have people in your corner. I have learned that I am worthy of being happy. I have learned that I can successfully raise two kids on my own. I have learned that there are people who will date a woman with two kids. I have learned how to be happy alone.
I think each year this day gets easier and easier. I’d expect that. Time heals all, right? It’s not that I feel sad that I am not with my ex anymore. I truly do not want to be in that relationship. I think it’s just a natural feeling of emotions that comes with life changes and significant dates. Thankful that it’s on a Saturday again, and I get to spend September 22nd building forts and enjoying the first day of fall with my little monsters.
❤ MS Andrea Jackson