I’m frustrated right now. I feel bad every single day. It’s been about three months of whatever this is. I feel nauseous. Exhausted. My ears are ringing. My head hurts more often than not. Sometimes it hurts to breathe. My numbness is not worse, but more regular. So mostly, nothing significant, but all together-ahhhh!
Maybe it’s the fact that it has been so hot and humid this summer. Maybe it’s something weird with the medicine I started in May. I don’t know. I feel like I am going crazy. It is so frustrating to have something wrong with you, that you can’t figure out. I have to imagine this is a tiny bit like what it is like for all my MS friends who took SO long to get a diagnosis. To be honest, if I didn’t have MS already, I might feel completely different about whatever is going on with me. I would probably just ignore, or maybe not notice what is going on. But as I have said before, the biggest thing with my MS is how aware I am of my body. I am always paying attention to every little thing. Any change is noticed.
Explaining it to anyone, my doctor included, seem to be useless. It’s like “well. I don’t know. Could be anything….let’s see how you feel at your appointment in a couple weeks and go from there.” (Sorry. That is not exactly what he said. He is a great doctor, but I am also not beating down is door for answers or demanding testing, so I prefer to wait and chat more in person) Or other responses: “are you sure you aren’t pregnant?” “Maybe it is (insert some-random-minor-condition-that-semi-has-one-similar-symptom-to-what-I-am-experiencing here)”
“Yes. I am sure I am not pregnant.”
“Sure. I’ll treat those things…..Okay, that didn’t work.”
“Yes. I will wait until the appointment. I don’t know what else we could do in the mean time.”
Which is what brings me to very frustrated tears. What if this is just how I feel from now on? What if I just always feel slightly like crap? Enough to slow me down, but not enough to stop me. Just this lingering always there but difficult to understand or pinpoint shitty feeling. Excuse my language. But that’s what it is. I feel like shit.
If I had to try to describe it, I would say it’s like the day after you recover from a really severe stomach bug. You know, you finally feel like you might survive, at least about 85% sure, but everything feels off and completely drained. Mentally and physically. Your head hurts. Your senses aren’t working quite right. Just, off. And you know what is hard to do when you feel like shit? EVERYTHING. Basically.
So anyway. I ran across this picture today, had a chuckle, and thought, who wrote this about me?
No. In all seriousness. I just sent another update to my neurologist so I am being fully transparent. I tend to neglect what is happening to my body until it goes away and explain the facts later. I don’t know what sort of outcome it will yield, but, at least I’ve done my part.
Anyone else had anything like this happen? I don’t even know that it is MS related. I don’t know where to start or what to do next. I guess I secretly hope it’s just because summer is hot and my body is reacting, and in a few weeks it’ll go away. So, the plan? Keep on trucking.
❤ MS Andrea Jackson
