I seem to always forget what to expect when it is time for my infusion. Well-I know what to expect when I get there and during, but leading up to it, I always forget about the day or two before when I have this slow building anxiety. I don’t regularly deal with anxiety, so when it slowly creeps up on me, sometimes I don’t even realize it. Yesterday I was feeling so sick. Just kind of nauseous all day, and I kept thinking, “how do I get a freaking stomach bug when I am in quarantine!?” Then last night my friends remind me, didn’t you feel sick before your last one?
I am not sick, it’s freaking nerves! Of course, that makes more sense. This is my first infusion during a global pandemic, my first one being alone at the infusion clinic, and I am always nervous before-of course I would be now. So, it registered, finally, at 6pm the night before my infusion. Queue the anxiety heightening. I don’t know about you, but for me, (the few times I deal with actual anxiety) I will be anxious or nervous about something for a long time before I recognize that is the problem. It comes crashing down on me when I am alone or REALLY tired.
Last night was my boyfriend’s daughter’s 5th grade graduation (or what would have been. We just watched a slideshow at home since this virus has ruined everything.) It was also the official last day of school for everyone. While I had a hard time staying out of my own head, we had a great night. (and are having a secret celebration for all the kiddos tonight!) I even decided to start making the kids watch Boy Meets World at 9pm instead of going to bed because I wanted to delay the time to let my mind get irrational on me.
I’ll just skip ahead, I never cried last night, because quite frankly I think the Benadryl is kicking in and I am getting sleepy. It never really even crossed my mind. Then I got up early today to take my son for breakfast before dropping him off with family and came to the clinic. Wouldn’t you know it, as I am pulling into the parking lot, I started to panic. You know how sometimes you start to feel teary eyed, so you try with everything you have to not let a tear drop, but the harder you try the harder it gets…. Yeah…that was me this morning. Rolling in a hot mess. I just can’t seem to escape that, no matter what I do.
Everything about life is different now that COVID 19 is here, so I had to put on a mask, wait outside the office, have my temp checked (they do this all the time anyway), and then finally get to my room. My lucky day (AGAIN), as I have the whole room to myself-AND my favorite nurse that got moved to a different position and I thought I would never see again, well she is here today and taking care of me. Thankful for a familiar face and calming nerves as we go. To make it all even that much better, it only took one stick to get the IV going. Last time it was 5! So we are smooth sailing now at this point.
You can assume if I don’t update later that all went well, or I guess all went terribly wrong, but I have faith that my next blog will come about some random day when I feel like writing my thoughts. Until then, stay well!
“It’s Fine. I’m Fine. Everything is Fine.”
❤ MS Andrea Jackson